Skip to content
Menu
Amy Arora
  • About Me
  • Writing CV
  • Contact
  • Tutoring
Amy Arora
April 11, 2021

Ask Amy: Alcohol and Relationships

My boyfriend becomes a horrible person when he drinks too much. What should I do?

We all know that life is a gift and that our time on this earth is short. However, none of us can deny that sometimes being alive can be tough and we need something to anaesthetise ourselves from the realities of the day-to-day. Some choose drugs, some meditate, some run, some competitively eat hot dogs. Alcohol is a common escape route. It’s legal, it’s available, and it doesn’t take much of it to relax the mind and soothe the soul, even if the next day’s inevitable hangover is the payoff. People have been boozing ever since people have existed.

However, when people regularly drink too much and undergo a personality transplant, we need to ask what issues they are seeking to run away from. As someone who used to regularly use alcohol as a crutch instead of dealing with my problems, I am sympathetic to the instinct to numb the pain. But there is a difference between drinking in joy and drinking in misery. A very wise Netflix Christmas movie once advised that we should never drink to feel better. Instead, we should drink to feel even better. 

As a loving partner, I’m sure it is really difficult for you when your boyfriend behaves in this way after drinking. Doubly frustrating for you may be that alcohol’s effect on the memory means that your boyfriend can’t remember his behaviour or thinks that it wasn’t as bad as it actually was. It means that there’s no accountability. You may even feel that you are making too much of a fuss over something that isn’t that big of a deal. But it is a big deal. Your boyfriend is obviously struggling with something and he needs to address it before it spirals. Booze will not solve his problems. 

However, and I say this with love and compassion, you cannot solve his problems either. It is absolutely not up to you to fix him. Only he can do that. All you can do is tell him (when he is sober) that you don’t like the way that he behaves when he is drunk. If his behaviour doesn’t change, you can choose to keep your distance when he drinks. If it still persists, you have to decide whether you can live with this reality from a distance, or whether this is a dealbreaker for you. If it is a dealbreaker, you must walk away. You owe yourself that kindness and you have the strength inside you to make that choice. 

Stephen Chbosky said that we accept the love we think we deserve. Perhaps part of you believes that you deserve to be treated badly. But you deserve to be treated with compassion, kindness and respect. If your boyfriend is not willing to show you these things, you are absolutely better off alone. I wish you luck on the journey ahead. 

More advice columns are available here.

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

The Good Stuff

  • Advice Column
  • Blogging
  • Currently Reading
  • Personal Essays
  • Short Stories

Recent Posts

  • Making Memories in Tanzania – for Vacations Magazine
  • Emotional Literacy: Bedrock Learning
  • Delish UK: An Endless Quest for Monster Munch: The British Food I Never Thought I’d Miss
  • How to teach students inference skills: Bedrock Learning
  • Ask Amy: Conflict in the Workplace

_amyarora

One year older, and one year since I started this One year older, and one year since I started this account. 

A lot has changed in a year (🤰🏻) but one thing I am very proud of is that I have made space in my life to write, and it has brought me untold joy. 

Who knows? Maybe next year my novel will be in the shops...

#birthdays
Three months later, I remembered this Instagram ex Three months later, I remembered this Instagram existed.

Here's a wholesome photo dump.
1. Still editing and just got these excellent books as recommended by @amiemccracken and @urbanwritersretreat 
2. Baby fever has arrived.
3. My boyfriend made a robin house.
4. 31 weeks pregnant.
5. The Pyrénées, just because. 

As excited as I am about impending motherhood, I'm also feeling the pressure to get my book into a better state and send it off to agents before the truly sleepless nights begin. 

So, does anyone want to be a beta reader? I'll send you a printed copy.
I've written four out of five days this week and I I've written four out of five days this week and I'm counting that as a win. Three chapters edited and in better shape. I'll be searching for beta readers soon! 

In other news, bereft at the lack of Bonfire Night in France, we just did some sparklers in the garden. Five minutes of excitement! Now back to the sofa.
I don't know why but these Words of Wisdom from @l I don't know why but these Words of Wisdom from @londonwriterssalon made me cry. It's permission, isn't it? Permission to put something into the world, just because you can. 

Editing day 2 is going well. I'm working through Chapter Two, checking that it all makes sense. Some of the writing is great! Some of it is terrible. 

On we go.
Let's face it, 2020 was a weird old year. But one Let's face it, 2020 was a weird old year. But one of the biggest silver linings for me was the chance to finally take part in #nanowrimo 

I wrote a bonkers 50,000 words in one month and I learnt that writing a novel was not impossible. I also learnt that it's a good idea to have some vague kind of outline to avoid inevitable madness.

That novel is on my computer and will probably stay there forever, but taking part in the challenge gave me the confidence to write a second novel, titled Missingh People. This one might actually go somewhere. 

This year November is my editing month. The goal is a decent second draft by Christmas. I'll be checking in each day with updates on how I'm going. I'm so excited and extra grateful for that second trimester energy 🙌🏽
Hard relate. #somanybookssolittletime Hard relate.

#somanybookssolittletime
Where's the newsletter, you may be asking? Where i Where's the newsletter, you may be asking? Where is the latest installment of ADVENTURES & ADVICE? 

Truth be told, my creative brain has been taking a holiday lately. Here's hoping it will return in the coming weeks. Until then, I'd better get reading. 

#futurmaman
Every now and then, a book knocks you over. Maggie Every now and then, a book knocks you over. Maggie O'Farrell's extraordinary memoir definitely did. 

Highly recommended.
New writing alert ⚠️ It was such a pleasure New writing alert ⚠️ 

It was such a pleasure to write about my safari adventures in Tanzania for Vacations Magazine, published by Ensemble Travel. 

Go have a read at the link in my bio and let me know what you think!
It's been a while but I'm back! Thanks to the fol It's been a while but I'm back!

Thanks to the folks over at @londonwriterssalon for these words of wisdom.

Is it just me or does September feel like a time for even more New Year's resolutions?

This is mine: Get to a decent second draft of the novel by Christmas.

What are yours?
Moving this one to the grid because I love this sn Moving this one to the grid because I love this snazzy wool bow. 

The first editing step on my novel-writing course with @urbanwritersretreat is to re-read the book and write down a "reverse outline" of exactly what happens in each scene. 

This is a great plan, because there are whole sections that I have no memory of writing. Really. No memory at all.
What a well-worn, mature passport featuring a Dora What a well-worn, mature passport featuring a Dora the Explorer sticker. 

It's the right picture for the latest installment of ADVENTURES & ADVICE though, which is all about Adventures in... Airports ✈

You know, those places we all used to frequent before we were grounded by Covid.

Have a read at the link in my bio and if you like what you read, I'd love it if you would subscribe.
I don't think I really understood The Yellow Wallp I don't think I really understood The Yellow Wallpaper until recently. It is such a simple premise. I remember feeling underwhelmed when I read it at university, wondering what all the fuss was about. Now I think it should probably be compulsory reading for all women my age.

This morning, my student and I had a go at drawing the wallpaper as per the narrator's descriptions. The second pic is my effort. I like how creepy it is. 

What stories have you come back to and suddenly understood later in your life? (Don't even get me started on Streetcar.)
Manic face, mojito and celebrating getting my seco Manic face, mojito and celebrating getting my second ever piece commissioned from a pitch 🥂

This freelance writing stuff can mean lots of rejections/no replies, so it's good to celebrate the wins!
This photo does not do justice to the beauty of th This photo does not do justice to the beauty of this scene, which made me stop and stare. 

I've also now seen two snakes while running in France! Tanzania, eat your heart out 😂

The best bit about running around the countryside like a maniac in 28-degree heat is that now I feel completely justified to sit on the sofa with my book for the rest of the day. Actually who am I kidding?! I was definitely going to do that anyway.
Hiii everyone, school is out for the summer, which Hiii everyone, school is out for the summer, which means I've had more time to write!

Lots of it has been of the anonymous content writer variety, but here are a few bits of writerly news:

✍🏼 My latest guest blog post for @bedrocklearning is out now. It's all about emotional literacy. Go read it at the link in my bio.

✍🏼 The next installment of my newsletter, Adventures & Advice, is coming out tomorrow. If you haven't subscribed yet, why not? If the thought of more emails is too much, feel free to just have a read. The link is, you guessed it, in my bio 😉

✍🏼 I'm about 7000 words away from finishing the first draft of my novel, Missingh People. That's not a typo in the title. Can you guess what it's about?

Feel so lucky to have a chance to pursue this #writerlife 💓
I used to think affirmations were a bit silly. Now I used to think affirmations were a bit silly. Now I know better. The way that we talk to ourselves matters. 

An affirmation is a way of saying, "I'm okay, just as I am." And then growing from there.

I've been drawing a card out from this deck each morning and just keeping an eye on it all day. It's making a difference. 

Thank you @lesley_stonier @bryonyfrippillustration 

💓
Toulouse by night. Inspiration is everywhere! Toulouse by night. 

Inspiration is everywhere!
Ask Amy is available in my newsletter, Adventures Ask Amy is available in my newsletter, Adventures & Advice. Link in bio.

What's your take on short-term relationships? Are we "allowed" to feel sad when they end?
The latest installment of Adventures & Advice is o The latest installment of Adventures & Advice is out now. It's all about football! 

(I know, I know... graphic design is my hidden calling.)

Subscribers: It should be in your inbox 😊

If you are yet to subscribe, or you want to read without subscribing, the link is in my bio. 

Let me know what you think!
Load More… Follow on Instagram
©2023 Amy Arora | Powered by WordPress and Superb Themes!